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Questionable Observations

Revolving Conflict

It’s been far too long since the last post and far too long since my brain has meandered through the corridors of my existence.  When writing a post, I start with a basic idea that’s on my mind and then the fingers wander around the keyboard until it’s published on the weblog and I spend some anxious times thinking about how shit it is, that it’s futile and just stupid (all of which are reflective on parts of my self-esteem I imagine) before my mind is distracted with a new stressor that gazumps in.

And so to start …..There are endless emotional and logical conflicts that affect my noodle and the one that’s dancing about my synapses today is fight between giving myself permission to relax and do nothing (logical choice) versus the need to do something of worth with my time all of the time (emotional/anxiety based need).  This can be to do anything that means I can justify my time and can range from food shopping for the family, mowing the lawn or I even think digging a hole and filling it in would stop me feeling the guilt of doing nothing.

I’m sure I’m not the only one that punishes themselves ridiculously – Well I fuckin hope I’m not.  So let’s imagine that You – the reader does this and that you’re the only one in the entire world that has these ridiculous inner conflicts.  Everyone else in the world is logical and self-assured; living an emotionally torture-free life whereas you are different from everyone else as you constantly tie yourself in anxious knots forever fuelled by your overthinking.  Not only that, you’re also being broadcast to everyone else’s social media to remind them not to be such a contradictory fuck-wit.  The broadcast shows your outward behaviour and also narrates the inner thoughts and emotions.  Obviously it’s a comedy where everyone laughs at your unnecessary and futile punishments and this mocking just helps reinforce to the entire population that they’re ok and you’re ultimately some sort of twat.  The ludicrous inner conflict really is only worthy of a sitcom rather than of validation and endless self-defeating exploration.

Mocking is suits people so horrendously by falsely empowering the insecure to allow them to feel better about themselves even when they are being ridiculous, plain stupid or even murderously evil.  In that sense, we’re all suggestible and mouldable and we all have it in us to be manipulated away from our social norms and morals with the right stimulus and right reward systems.  It can happen so easily as we uncomfortably take small steps and with each step we take we get rewarded so feel good about making the step and it encourages us to continue, just a bit further, then a bit more and before we know it, we’re just sacrificed an ostrich by shoving it’s head up our arse to ‘cleanse it’s soul’  and are now feeding to our grandparents as we believe it will heal them from the errors of their ways.  You then feel sorry for all the people you see as naïve twats who are yet to wake up to what’s really happening in the world.  The pandemic is a great example here.  The nation in fact the entire globe changed their lives and conformed to the governments rules at greats self-sacrifice.  We all complied in one way or another in the same way we all conform.  Whether this be wearing gender-defining clothing or driving on one side of the road.  

So beyond the digression, there’s a need for me to give myself permission to relax and a need to feel it’s ok and not to feel it’s bad.  But there’s this monstrous negative association with doing nothing.  Influences could be that there’s inherited values around lazy twats do nothing, repeated messages that you get nothing if you don’t work, or associations with act of ‘doing’ such as working = approval from others = acceptance = I’m ok = I’m not a nobody twat.  All that stuff means I move away from doing nothing; from feeling that I am nothing to doing something of tangible worth to feel that I am something.  This feeling of self-worth often fades as quickly as it takes for the paint to dry on the latest project so needs topping up daily, of not hourly.  Fuck, we torture ourselves endlessly.  Maybe it’s Mother Nature’s way of population control so that we all age through futile and pointless work and stressing. 

Why is nature female and God male.  Did God fuck mother nature and she gave birth to the earth?  Have I just accidently stumbled across the greatest unknown truth of creation ever.  This may be the start of a formulation of my cult.  It may sound ridiculous but then it’s more credible that the fairy-tales of religion.

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Questionable Observations WTF is that?

Awakening from the sneaky despair

I feel the awakening from a time of having my spirit subdued.  I’ve been asleep I think.  How do I know this?  Well, there’s some seriously disturbing clues that makes me wretch and feel disgusted as the light of recognition exposes something that I’d really like to be hidden.

Over the last 8 months I’ve succumbed to the spirit crushing shit that life seeks to spoon feed us.  I started to quite like those blandly vanilla twats on This Morning and developed an unhealthy liking of game shows.  The Chase and some shit where they push counters have been appealing to the point where I’ve reprimanded a child as they’ve entered the room during the final round as I need to avidly listen to it. 

What the fuck has happened to me.  I do recall seeking to resist this when I first started watching this shit.  I verbalised the ‘Why the fuck are we watching this shite’ to my wife at the time but then I got sucked in.  I’d have more respect for myself if I’d been sucked in by something proper like crack or heroin. 

In conducting an autopsy on my spirit, there’s some clues as to what was causing this dis-ease.  Obviously the pandemic is central here.  I was aware of the stress I felt by the more obvious changes in behaviour.  The comfort eating and getting pissed more.  I noticed more fluctuating moods at times, but sinking into spirit crushing mediocrity really crept up in me.  When I find myself recording This Morning and scheduling in The Chase with a pleasant coffee and piece of cake, suddenly there’s a realisation that things have slipped horribly. 

Is this what happens when your inner spirit dies?  Is this the result of spending all our time and energy on work and kids so that all you can do is vegetate in our own shit as you let this dross wash over you.  No winder depression is on the fucking increase.

In being compassionate to myself, I can blame the fatigue and need for comfort brought on by the pandemic.  You can blame the pandemic for anything – maybe rape and murder is pushing it, but drug use and theft is definitely worth a try.  Maybe I needed just some light stuff to soothe my stressed noodle.  The fact I’m disgusted with myself (and everyone else who by their incessant viewing encourages more of this drivel to be made and broadcast to endlessly dull our senses and keep use docile) must mean that my pandemic mood is evolving.

Maybe it’s a good thing; maybe this awakening is my inner anger for all the losses and difficulties the pandemic has brought is now coming out. How will I control this or at least find a way to express it. We’ve already established that we can’t use the pandemic as an excuse for murder but I don’t think stealing lots of stuff (unless it’s drugs) is going to soothe the potential inner rage.

I will experiment with resolving my inner unease by killing the neighbours cat and writing a ransom note in it’s blood.  This may sound harsh, but there’s a lovely element to this as I plan to use the ransom money to get it stuffed and will then return the pussy; perfectly preserved forever.  It’s actually a thoughtful gesture in some sense as Burbank is now immortal in a way.  Just the thought of this means that I’m now feeling a bit more me.  What next – infiltrate Holly Willoughby’s makeup team and replace her caked on face powder with a semi-permanent face dye that makes her look like an oompa-loopa for a month. 

Passive aggressive behaviour where we do some funny as fuck stunts – this could be the start of my new cult.  It’s a bit Fight Club-esque.  Who’s in?

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations

Homework is shit?

If I’d have wanted to be a teacher, I would discarded my dress sense, bought clothes in a camping shop and stopped buying deodorant. I would also have trained to be a fucking teacher rather than having this forced upon me.  It’s a good job the midwives don’t give you a list of shit you’re going to have to fulfil as a parent as I think the human race would die out quite quickly.  I haven’t even been given access to the shop that gives you shit mugs and jackets with elbow patches.  Homework is shit, especially for primary school children and now the badly dressed, coffee supping twats are asking us to complete this an use an unfamiliar computer system and send it in – what the actual fuck are they thinking. 

Trying to use Google docs when the entire world has used Microsoft is fuckin ridiculous.  Trying to download PDF’s to amend then save  and submit when it doesn’t format properly makes me want to hire a hitman for these teacher twats.  It’s not beneficial to children to learn in this way when parents become enraged and throw their laptop through the fucking window making the house cold for the entire weekend.        

As a remedy, I will seek to identify some teachers in my local area and beat the shit out of them with my now broken laptop.  This is one effective remedy to the situation.  The other, which is possibly better for everyone, is where they become a bit more fuckin considerate before sending dumb-fuck homework using shit and difficult to use systems.  Maybe they should also check to ensure that everyone has a laptop, a printer and can use technology to the standard of a google helpdesk agent.  No wonder they need regular training days the b-o stained fuckwits.

(PS – have got to grips with Google classroom a little bit now tbf – it’s still shit tho)

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Questionable Observations WTF is that?

The Cat, Squirrel and the Stripper

One of my cats is becoming far far above his already obnoxiously arrogant status.  I’m used to his ‘what the fuck is this shit’ look when I put his cat food down and every day, relentlessly remind him that he’s a cat and that this is cat food.  It’s like he doesn’t distinguish between himself (a cat) and me (a human).  In his defence,  I’ve never noticed him look in the mirror so it could be that he has no idea what he looks like, let alone, who he may be.  I wonder if he is confused about his identity which means there’s an urgent need for cat therapists as I’m sure he’s not suffering this identity confusion alone.

Therapist:  ‘So who are you?

Cat: ‘I have no fucking clue anymore and everyone keeps calling me a pussy.’

Therapist: ‘Pussy?’ 

Cat:  Yes, it’s a mystery to me and what’s fucked up is that apparently human’s put their cocks in pussy – I’m scared shitless these days.’

Anyhoo, Jooky caught a squirrel today which I accept is a savage and natural part of the world we live in, but then it did make me think.  A good friend has recently had problems with a squirrel in his attic and a few years ago tried the humane way of dealing with this by using a trap and taking him away.  The squirrel has come back though as these furry fuckers can be homing.  Even though he dumped him miles away, it’s evident that he’s come back, the piss-taking bastard.  There is a possibility that it’s a different squirrel but Daz says he recognises his beady eyes and sly smile. 

So, the obvious answer is to be less humane and send Jooky up into the attic to reap his predatory will on the menace.  I mentioned this to him, thinking he’d jump at the chance and be excited, rather like telling a child we’re going to a playground or to eat ice cream.  Instead, he started making demands!!  He’s demanding to be paid for this using the justification that Rentokil would charge and even sent me a quote he’s sourced online to reinforce his point. 

He didn’t just want food or money; he wants an experience he’s never had before and wanted a surprise.  Jokingly, Daz said that he’d take him to the Kitten Club (strip club) and pay for a dance for every squirrel he catches.  Jooky seems elated at this and even joked that as he’s a cat, he’d probably get in for half price like kids do.  This thought seems to settle in this mind and them he wanted more.  He’s never fucking happy. 

Not satisfied with this salubrious night out, that probably no other cat has had the pleasure of ever, he wants to go to a bar where ladies will squirt milk at him.  He said this combines his love of milk and ladies in one fabulous concoction.  Daz is now searching for a strip club where Lactating Lil performs where his chance of success ae minimal.  I suspect that Jooky knows that this sort of cabaret only exists in Benidorm.  It’s no secret that since watching Benidorm the series on television that he’s had an ambition to go there.  He’s a very clever and sly bastard at times and as Daz does really want rid of the squirrel, so when the Cat’s asked me to pick up a passport application from the post office, this probably won’t be a wasted journey.

(As a side thought, are all cats’ bastards?  I’ve never heard of them getting wed)

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Questionable Observations

Guilt, Only I can set me free ….

Guilt is my leach-like companion, the vicious little bastard.  It’s always there, lingering about, ready to pull me down at any moment.  When I’m happy enough, it’ll give me a reminder by doing shit like making me compare myself negatively to others or ask me self-doubting questions. 

She’s such a pain that I try avoid her or soothe myself sometimes in good ways and sometimes in less than good ways.  ‘Doing’ is a big avoidance and self-soothing strategy.  It serves so much.  I’m distracted, thinking less and can self-righteously tell myself that I’m ok especially if I’m doing something like cooking or working as this of tangible worth. 

Failing doing stuff, because I can’t ‘do’ stuff all the time (although the crazed psycho Guilt would say that I fucking can be doing things of worth all the time tbf), there’s Guilt’s good ol buddy who’s ever ready to support her, Alcohol.  Yeah, alcohol is fab for self-soothing, having a break from it all and fooling yourself into thinking you’re the coolest fucker in the entire world.  Guilt loves alcohol as it can take joyful power from you having it ‘ha, you fucked up again – you talked like a twat, made yourself ill, spent too much money …..’

I’m told we should move towards the parts of us that make us feel uneasy or bad so maybe I should befriend the annoying twat.  But then, I avoid annoying twats in life because they’re annoying fucking twats. 

I did find once that if I smother them (with attention, not a blanket although that would be a more enduring solution), they fuck off, so maybe I should embrace and rejoice in guilt.  I may run around pronouncing to the world all the things I do that fuel the guilt.  If you see me walking about shouting stuff like –  ‘I did fuck all this evening other than look at shit on social media’, ‘the kids drove me crazy today and I stopped them playing Xbox’ or ‘I got pissed last night so have slept in but still feel horribly hungover so I have little time or energy for my family’.  Maybe quietly owning my behaviours and reassuring myself that I’ve made these behavioural choices (possibly fuelled by guilt in some way anyway) would be a little more dignified? 

On reflection, beneath the guilt is most probably shame and this drives the guilt.  Maybe no matter how much I manage the guilt, the driving force still remains, creating more and more like an unstoppable crazy wind turbine caught in an infinite hurricane. 

Resolve the shame and the guilt will go?  Shame can live within us all so very easily and we carry it unknowingly from our childhood into adulthood and wonder why the fuck we behave so ridiculously sometimes.  Self-sabotage is a big indicator of this.

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations WTF is that?

Amazing Discoveries – Amazing-ish anyhow!!

It’s been an oodle of time since my last post and the entire world has changed.  It’s not that I’m saying the world has changed because I’ve not posted for some time but that will have happened somewhere in a parallel universe.  So, I’ve been musing quietly and flitting from high to low and scurrying around in endless circles to adapt my entire life to the changes that the virus has brought.  It’s been a set of fuckin endless and different challenges – that’s for sure.  Highs and lows and diverse tangents of joy and shit.  Now I’m used to the hermit lifestyle and feel a bit happy with it so I’m starting feel anxious about returning to normal.

I’ve made 2 amazing discoveries during this time.  These are both psychological concepts before you get overtly excited.  This is on top of finding Jesus who is alive and well in a complex love triangle with Elvis and Lucifer and there is great gossip in this discovery.  It turns out Jesus’ father is Lucifer – who’d have thought that? I don’t think Jesus knows this yet, but apparently Elvis is aware.  No wonder God was keen to convince the world he was male and the virgin Mary gave birth to the saviour, when all along, she’s been shagging the devil which created our saviour.  I guess if the truth were known from day 1, they’d have had difficulty nurturing their cult into the worldwide religion.

Anyhoo, I digress as I share insulting notions.  So, Discovery 1 – My frustrations and issues remain the same even though the entire fucking world and my own personal world has changed.  There’s still not enough time in the day, I still can’t get enough done and I still need to work more or do more.  How is this possible?  It can’t possibly be anything to do with me whatsoever can it.  It’s not my underlying beliefs about not being good enough and my need to do more to just feel ok about myself that drives this.  It’s definitely not a self-defeating, self-propelling and impossible cycle.  It’s also not my need to do things to feel like I’m productive just to feel ok.  It must be something and only if I were good enough I could figure this out.  Maybe it’s my punishment for my blasphemy.  If I dug holes and filled them in because I believed there was a purpose, this would make me feel better then spending time doing nothing (that’s what others call relaxing I think, or others don’t even have a name for it because its their normal state). 

Discovery 2 – We all have our individual lives.  I know, this doesn’t sound like a big discovery and it’s not as mind blowing as finding out that God’s blowing Lucifer I suppose.  What I’ve found though that everyone is suffering losses and hardship in their own specific way.  My brother’s issues to what this has brought is different to mine because his children are older, my sister in-law has a different job to ours and his job is threatened in a different way.  My close friends family members are on the front line which alters their behaviours, anxieties and perspectives on the situation.  Family and friends are very similar to us with similar outlooks and values but we also have our own personal world’s that can seem very very different.

I’ll combobble my way through time and maybe, just maybe this time will teach me that I don’t need to ‘do’ and maybe I can just ‘be’.  That’s clearly something I need to do.

I hope that You are looking after you, utilising your support structures and that you’re dealing with your own hardships and losses well.

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations

Where’s the mob when you need it?

I’m fucking disappointed.  This time is the nearest thing we face to the apocalypse and there’s been no bizarre medieval shit going on.  I was getting excited about the descent of human nature but this isn’t materialising at all.  We’re doing relatively well. 

Not once have I seen a group of people stoning someone for buying too much loo roll.  There no reports of lynch mobs roaming the streets preying on those who may look a bit ill or who are not making an essential journey.  No wonder people are breaking the rules when social order is not policed like it should be. 

Maybe we need to recruit volunteers.  If you think you’d be good at stoning people or fancy stringing people up, you can be pat of the revolution.  Who knows, this time next year we could be the Kings and Queens of the world.

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations

Bizarrely Optimistic!

As this historic situation settles itself into reality, I imagine we’re all going through our own processes that started with shock anxiety as it began to bite us, planning for it (even though we don’t know what to plan for), confusion over the conflicting info, hope and optimism that it will all be ok in time and general fear maybe?  I’ve started off all jolly and optimistic laced with trying to be realistic but I’m wavering up and down all the time. . 

As human’s we’re not keen on change and we get comfort and security in repeating our routines.  You throw mass change and  uncertainty into any large group and it will being the best and worst out in us.  As our fascinating noodles tries to comprehend and cope with this, they’ll be horrendous selfishness and beautiful love and care being shown.

I console myself with the fact that we’ll get through this with the belief that a great deal of good will come from this.  Maybe we need something so huge to disrupt us from our overly comfortable self-centred lives to remind us of how great we can pull together as a human race and that our normality is actually quite fucking brilliant.  It may also remind us that we’re overly self-indulgent and unappreciative of the fundamentals.  This virus is making us focus on our health – one of our absolute primary needs that we take for granted and abuse.

They’ll be pain and hurt in the weeks ahead as well as joy and appreciation.  We’re seeing such love being expressed and great effort to support each other.  From the morning work-outs for kids, the teachers working remotely to the hands on hell that health professionals are dealing with.  On that note, there’s not a great deal of media attention on what’s happening on the front line.  I wonder if this is because we won’t be able to cope well with this stark reality?

I will seek to make the best of things and hold onto the faith in myself, in society and in the future.

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Questionable Observations WTF is that?

It’s Time to be More Free

I’m trapping myself once more in the unnecessary needs of my own suburban life.  I’m self-employed and I continually expect the business to grow which means I tend to put more in, feel stressed if I have a low week/month and feel guilt if I’m not doing the marketing and admin aspects of it that I don’t really see as necessary to the day to day activities.  As it grows, I then buy unnecessary shit like a summer house or new windows.  This adds more pressure to fund this which means that I don’t take enough time off which stresses me which means I want to ‘treat myself’ with unnecessary shit to soothe my noodle, which creates a further need to earn more and therefore not take time off.  And so the fucked up hamster wheel continues.

Part of the desire to run my own business, beyond doing something of purpose that had solid ethical roots and was run to a very high standard, was to have the freedom it gives. It does give a whole heap of freedom such as doing very little on Thursdays, being able to do most of the schools runs (although that doesn’t always feel like a privilege at times when we’re looking for the lost shoe once-a-fucking-gain when we need to be leaving the house) and spending more time with my children.  It does come with the restrictions that are ultimately self-imposed restrictions.  Most of our pressures are self-induced pressures anyway and evidently I like squeezing the absolute fuck out of myself. 

It’s like I’ve lost touch with my former more philosophical self.  That Self was making decisions where finance and money were in the background.  The decisions were driven about doing something of value and purpose that had a positive impact on society as a whole.  The income was secondary and I was willing to have a lower income in place of a greater sense of fulfilment.  This was fuelled from being sick of the spirit-crushing corporate world which seemed half-full of misdirected people who couldn’t find a vocation and were convincing themselves that the business world was for them.  The other half seemed to be sociopathic twats who were out to boost themselves from a status and financial perspective by taking from anything and anyone in their path.  It was a place of pointless paper pushing, despair and disgust for me. 

This despair helped lay the foundations of what I do now and why I do this.  Over the years I’ve lost focus on the ethical and philosophical foundations of what I do.  Writing this serves as a decent reminder to reconnect with that part of me.  Over time, I’ve grown and I’ve taken on new responsibilities which has added pressures to provide. My vocation remains strong and wonderfully fulfilling and maybe it’s time to let go of some of my self-induced needless pressures.

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Hmmmm??

Containing the Outbreak

I’m wondering what the ethical considerations are for containing the corona-virus by giving everyone the right to shoot someone coughs or just looks a bit ill.

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