One of my cats is becoming far far above his already obnoxiously arrogant status. I’m used to his ‘what the fuck is this shit’ look when I put his cat food down and every day, relentlessly remind him that he’s a cat and that this is cat food. It’s like he doesn’t distinguish between himself (a cat) and me (a human). In his defence, I’ve never noticed him look in the mirror so it could be that he has no idea what he looks like, let alone, who he may be. I wonder if he is confused about his identity which means there’s an urgent need for cat therapists as I’m sure he’s not suffering this identity confusion alone.
Therapist: ‘So who are you?
Cat: ‘I have no fucking clue anymore and everyone keeps calling me a pussy.’
Therapist: ‘Pussy?’
Cat: Yes, it’s a mystery to me and what’s fucked up is that apparently human’s put their cocks in pussy – I’m scared shitless these days.’
Anyhoo, Jooky caught a squirrel today which I accept is a savage and natural part of the world we live in, but then it did make me think. A good friend has recently had problems with a squirrel in his attic and a few years ago tried the humane way of dealing with this by using a trap and taking him away. The squirrel has come back though as these furry fuckers can be homing. Even though he dumped him miles away, it’s evident that he’s come back, the piss-taking bastard. There is a possibility that it’s a different squirrel but Daz says he recognises his beady eyes and sly smile.
So, the obvious answer is to be less humane and send Jooky up into the attic to reap his predatory will on the menace. I mentioned this to him, thinking he’d jump at the chance and be excited, rather like telling a child we’re going to a playground or to eat ice cream. Instead, he started making demands!! He’s demanding to be paid for this using the justification that Rentokil would charge and even sent me a quote he’s sourced online to reinforce his point.
He didn’t just want food or money; he wants an experience he’s never had before and wanted a surprise. Jokingly, Daz said that he’d take him to the Kitten Club (strip club) and pay for a dance for every squirrel he catches. Jooky seems elated at this and even joked that as he’s a cat, he’d probably get in for half price like kids do. This thought seems to settle in this mind and them he wanted more. He’s never fucking happy.
Not satisfied with this salubrious night out, that probably no other cat has had the pleasure of ever, he wants to go to a bar where ladies will squirt milk at him. He said this combines his love of milk and ladies in one fabulous concoction. Daz is now searching for a strip club where Lactating Lil performs where his chance of success ae minimal. I suspect that Jooky knows that this sort of cabaret only exists in Benidorm. It’s no secret that since watching Benidorm the series on television that he’s had an ambition to go there. He’s a very clever and sly bastard at times and as Daz does really want rid of the squirrel, so when the Cat’s asked me to pick up a passport application from the post office, this probably won’t be a wasted journey.
(As a side thought, are all cats’ bastards? I’ve never heard of them getting wed)
The frustrations of an overthinker 