It’s been far too long since the last post and far too long since my brain has meandered through the corridors of my existence. When writing a post, I start with a basic idea that’s on my mind and then the fingers wander around the keyboard until it’s published on the weblog and I spend some anxious times thinking about how shit it is, that it’s futile and just stupid (all of which are reflective on parts of my self-esteem I imagine) before my mind is distracted with a new stressor that gazumps in.
And so to start …..There are endless emotional and logical conflicts that affect my noodle and the one that’s dancing about my synapses today is fight between giving myself permission to relax and do nothing (logical choice) versus the need to do something of worth with my time all of the time (emotional/anxiety based need). This can be to do anything that means I can justify my time and can range from food shopping for the family, mowing the lawn or I even think digging a hole and filling it in would stop me feeling the guilt of doing nothing.
I’m sure I’m not the only one that punishes themselves ridiculously – Well I fuckin hope I’m not. So let’s imagine that You – the reader does this and that you’re the only one in the entire world that has these ridiculous inner conflicts. Everyone else in the world is logical and self-assured; living an emotionally torture-free life whereas you are different from everyone else as you constantly tie yourself in anxious knots forever fuelled by your overthinking. Not only that, you’re also being broadcast to everyone else’s social media to remind them not to be such a contradictory fuck-wit. The broadcast shows your outward behaviour and also narrates the inner thoughts and emotions. Obviously it’s a comedy where everyone laughs at your unnecessary and futile punishments and this mocking just helps reinforce to the entire population that they’re ok and you’re ultimately some sort of twat. The ludicrous inner conflict really is only worthy of a sitcom rather than of validation and endless self-defeating exploration.
Mocking is suits people so horrendously by falsely empowering the insecure to allow them to feel better about themselves even when they are being ridiculous, plain stupid or even murderously evil. In that sense, we’re all suggestible and mouldable and we all have it in us to be manipulated away from our social norms and morals with the right stimulus and right reward systems. It can happen so easily as we uncomfortably take small steps and with each step we take we get rewarded so feel good about making the step and it encourages us to continue, just a bit further, then a bit more and before we know it, we’re just sacrificed an ostrich by shoving it’s head up our arse to ‘cleanse it’s soul’ and are now feeding to our grandparents as we believe it will heal them from the errors of their ways. You then feel sorry for all the people you see as naïve twats who are yet to wake up to what’s really happening in the world. The pandemic is a great example here. The nation in fact the entire globe changed their lives and conformed to the governments rules at greats self-sacrifice. We all complied in one way or another in the same way we all conform. Whether this be wearing gender-defining clothing or driving on one side of the road.
So beyond the digression, there’s a need for me to give myself permission to relax and a need to feel it’s ok and not to feel it’s bad. But there’s this monstrous negative association with doing nothing. Influences could be that there’s inherited values around lazy twats do nothing, repeated messages that you get nothing if you don’t work, or associations with act of ‘doing’ such as working = approval from others = acceptance = I’m ok = I’m not a nobody twat. All that stuff means I move away from doing nothing; from feeling that I am nothing to doing something of tangible worth to feel that I am something. This feeling of self-worth often fades as quickly as it takes for the paint to dry on the latest project so needs topping up daily, of not hourly. Fuck, we torture ourselves endlessly. Maybe it’s Mother Nature’s way of population control so that we all age through futile and pointless work and stressing.
Why is nature female and God male. Did God fuck mother nature and she gave birth to the earth? Have I just accidently stumbled across the greatest unknown truth of creation ever. This may be the start of a formulation of my cult. It may sound ridiculous but then it’s more credible that the fairy-tales of religion.
The frustrations of an overthinker 