Category: Hmmmm??

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Hmmmm??

The Pleasant Surprise

I went to see Fat Boy Slim last week and it was great.  The music was fab, although a bit soft at times and the show was strong.  We danced about and faced the usual frustrations of queuing for a beer, getting 2 pinters and wondering what the fuck we should do with them as we wanted to dance.  A great pre-show time with friends as well as post-show pissed-ness and dancing/jumping about.

My expectation was that I’d be annoyed by it being full of middle-aged suburbanite seeking to relive the youth that they never had.  The ones who claim they did it all, all the time with fake nostalgia.  Twats like these piss me off but it’s part of being human to think back with rose tinted glasses.  Even the roman’s had a latin term for it “memoria praeteritorum bonorum” which means that the past is well remembered (not realistically). 

Other examples of this is where people bang on about how things were so much better in the past; things were safe, cheaper and people were more honest and young people had respect.  It’s such bollocks and is just a projection of peoples anxiety about being uncertain in the present time where they can look back and feel secure in the certainty that the past has.  There is uncertainty in the present and future and we always feel more secure with what is certain.

Anyhoo, there was a diverse age range and fab atmosphere.  Some friends recently went to see James and that crowd ticked the mediocre suburban boxes so well to the point I’m shocked they were able to leave the house in case of missing Strictly and their half glass of red.  I imagine they had an extra late one, and streamed that shit along with a bit of I’m a Celebrity.

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations

Are All Posh People Twats?

Firstly, if you’re posh or feel that you may not be able to bear anti-posh literature then please stop reading.  My intention is never to offend btw, but as a human in this vast world trying to navigate my life to feel safe and happy whilst fulfilling my roles, they’ll be times when I piss people off and I’d rather it not be You today.

I know, if you’re anything like me, the concept that we might piss others off is a bit of shock.  Surely, it can’t be true because I’m perfect and everyone must like and approve of me.  I try to be a good person and my ridiculous insecurities push me try to avidly impress and please others so how could I possibly piss off others.  Evidently, quite easily at times.

So, are all posh people twats?  And by twats, I mean the stereotypical dim-witted arrogant overly privileged, overly-entitled floppy haired, monacle wearing buffoon, typified by Boris Johnson.

I came across this article which is definitely worth the read (after you’ve read my article first  you fabulous human – don’t leave me for another blog as you may discover that everyone is better and then you’ll never return and this could make me sad.  Stay until the end, honey).  Here’s the link for later – What Oxford Taught Me About Posh People

This article made me think about what I learnt about posh people when I came into contact with a bunch of them and I know you’ve probably just skim read it but don’t feel guilty, I forgive you.  I’m from a working-class background when class was a thing (probably last century) and uphold many of the values around this whether this be healthy or a conditioned reaction to doing what’s been ingrained in me and is familiar.  Things like having a low sense of entitlement; everything I have and want should be worked for rather than given or provided.  Also, we’re all equal as humans and giving and sharing is essential for well-being whether that be love, time, resources or energy. 

I’m not saying that every upper class or middle-class person wouldn’t uphold these values but in my life experience, the upper class have a tendency to be ridiculously naïve from their protected and privileged environment and the middle class tend to be overly self-protective twats who cover their insecurities by flaunting their assets and being very tight with their time and energies.  Obviously, there’s the potential that these observations are likely to be fed by my own insecurities and needs for acceptant so I re-affirm that I’m good being me with working class being part of me) and it I can prove I’m ok being me by labelling everyone else as a twat in some way.  If I’m not like those twats then I’m good.  Hurrahh.

So, to the posh and how they’re all twats although now I’ve ranted, the point seems a bit diluted really, but I shall seek to express it nonetheless.  So, it was about 2006 ish and I went with friends to Gay Pride in London and from some good fortune I had an access all areas wrist band which we used to gain entry to some bars and parties that would’ve been off limits otherwise.  These areas were reserved for the sponsors of the event, but it seemed evident, that the sponsors weren’t bothered and they sent their kids who were in their early to mid-20’s and generally posh.  They all seemed to be familiar with each other or maybe herded towards one another upon hearing the posh accent and seeing the sea of red trousers. 

Generally, they were a really good crowd to be around as they seemed fun and free and only a few seemed to distance themselves when they heard me speak.  What I quickly gathered though that most seem to uphold this belief that they’d be rich and would be successful in life, even though many seemed to be more naïve than the average distribution of the population[1] and naturally there were others that were the stereotypical Tim Nice But Dim.  This observation reinforced how their expectation is based on the conditioning of their lives and that’s generally true not matter who you are.  Their privilege may have got them into the best schools and provided an elite social world of posh opportunities.  This intrigued me and pissed me off due to the unfairness of this in that their destiny will be largely influenced by the family they were born into.  But then, like everyone, we live to our expectations and norms.  I guess it’s then our job to take that conditioning and do something great with it rather than allowing ourselves to be pushed down the expected avenues and be consumed by it all without really making an active decision: That unconsidered auto-pilot life where the same old generational patterns are blindly repeated.

On reflection of writing this, my resentment of people more privileged than I may be a little problematic. It certainly was when I was in early 20’s and attended the Henley Regatta, but that’s a post for another time.

[1] This is my mere observation that has no referenced research and by now you’re probably aware of my conditioned prejudices from my background.

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations

Mediocrity is Just a Wanky Reaction to Society’s Need for us to Conform

Mediocrity enrages me especially when I see it in myself and in my own life.  The way society encourages and manipulates us to conform means that most people just give up and live on some shit autopilot planet of doing the 2.4 kids, 9-5 meaningless shit work and feel a bit wild by having half a glass of pinot while listening to Coldplay.

It’s such a soft and submissive response to allow your life to be dictated to where you go through the day without purpose until you die, just to leave your offspring to do the same.  Does society need these ant-like characters to exist to keep it going. I guess it does in society’s present form but then it’s that self-feeding system where nothing changes.  Society runs well because people conform but then many lose their identity as they’re swallowed up and rewarded for being just like everyone else.  The most obvious rewards from peer and societal approval and a monthly salary that is just enough to fulfil your needs but not enough to feel secure enough to break free from the rat race.  But that doesn’t really matter, as you’re so conditioned to accept your place in society, that even if you could afford to not work, you wouldn’t have fucking clue what else to do.  Obviously the conspiracy theorist twats will see this all the government’s doing where they control us to fund their lifestyles but at least they have the bollocks to question what’s going on and they don’t automatically accept the spoon of mediocrity so readily.

Like most of our annoyances, they’re born out of our own relationship with them and fear of them.  So I fear being a mediocre twat and it concerns me when I see evidence of this in myself and there’s a lot of fucking evidence tbf.  I live in a suburban semi, have kids, a wife, pets and spend too much time on social media or watching shit on telly because I’m too tired from working to provide the mediocre life to do anything else on most evenings.  Pre-adult mediocrity, I went out more, explored more and felt less of a need for routine and structure to keep me grounded.  Now I’m emotionally attached to these things and feel out of control should something slip or alter.  I’ve unwittingly become a victim of conditioning.

So to be more free means engaging in my identity more?  Being expressive and creative. I shall write ‘I love Coldplay’ in large letters in the road in my own shit as a first step and see how this feels.  I may have to save my bodily waste product for few days which may not be pleasant and if this becomes my signature art style it’s possible that I’ll lose the said wife and suburban comfort. Maybe that’s the test I need: To lose it to see if I’d miss the world I’ve been conditioned to create.

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations

Homework is shit?

If I’d have wanted to be a teacher, I would discarded my dress sense, bought clothes in a camping shop and stopped buying deodorant. I would also have trained to be a fucking teacher rather than having this forced upon me.  It’s a good job the midwives don’t give you a list of shit you’re going to have to fulfil as a parent as I think the human race would die out quite quickly.  I haven’t even been given access to the shop that gives you shit mugs and jackets with elbow patches.  Homework is shit, especially for primary school children and now the badly dressed, coffee supping twats are asking us to complete this an use an unfamiliar computer system and send it in – what the actual fuck are they thinking. 

Trying to use Google docs when the entire world has used Microsoft is fuckin ridiculous.  Trying to download PDF’s to amend then save  and submit when it doesn’t format properly makes me want to hire a hitman for these teacher twats.  It’s not beneficial to children to learn in this way when parents become enraged and throw their laptop through the fucking window making the house cold for the entire weekend.        

As a remedy, I will seek to identify some teachers in my local area and beat the shit out of them with my now broken laptop.  This is one effective remedy to the situation.  The other, which is possibly better for everyone, is where they become a bit more fuckin considerate before sending dumb-fuck homework using shit and difficult to use systems.  Maybe they should also check to ensure that everyone has a laptop, a printer and can use technology to the standard of a google helpdesk agent.  No wonder they need regular training days the b-o stained fuckwits.

(PS – have got to grips with Google classroom a little bit now tbf – it’s still shit tho)

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations WTF is that?

Amazing Discoveries – Amazing-ish anyhow!!

It’s been an oodle of time since my last post and the entire world has changed.  It’s not that I’m saying the world has changed because I’ve not posted for some time but that will have happened somewhere in a parallel universe.  So, I’ve been musing quietly and flitting from high to low and scurrying around in endless circles to adapt my entire life to the changes that the virus has brought.  It’s been a set of fuckin endless and different challenges – that’s for sure.  Highs and lows and diverse tangents of joy and shit.  Now I’m used to the hermit lifestyle and feel a bit happy with it so I’m starting feel anxious about returning to normal.

I’ve made 2 amazing discoveries during this time.  These are both psychological concepts before you get overtly excited.  This is on top of finding Jesus who is alive and well in a complex love triangle with Elvis and Lucifer and there is great gossip in this discovery.  It turns out Jesus’ father is Lucifer – who’d have thought that? I don’t think Jesus knows this yet, but apparently Elvis is aware.  No wonder God was keen to convince the world he was male and the virgin Mary gave birth to the saviour, when all along, she’s been shagging the devil which created our saviour.  I guess if the truth were known from day 1, they’d have had difficulty nurturing their cult into the worldwide religion.

Anyhoo, I digress as I share insulting notions.  So, Discovery 1 – My frustrations and issues remain the same even though the entire fucking world and my own personal world has changed.  There’s still not enough time in the day, I still can’t get enough done and I still need to work more or do more.  How is this possible?  It can’t possibly be anything to do with me whatsoever can it.  It’s not my underlying beliefs about not being good enough and my need to do more to just feel ok about myself that drives this.  It’s definitely not a self-defeating, self-propelling and impossible cycle.  It’s also not my need to do things to feel like I’m productive just to feel ok.  It must be something and only if I were good enough I could figure this out.  Maybe it’s my punishment for my blasphemy.  If I dug holes and filled them in because I believed there was a purpose, this would make me feel better then spending time doing nothing (that’s what others call relaxing I think, or others don’t even have a name for it because its their normal state). 

Discovery 2 – We all have our individual lives.  I know, this doesn’t sound like a big discovery and it’s not as mind blowing as finding out that God’s blowing Lucifer I suppose.  What I’ve found though that everyone is suffering losses and hardship in their own specific way.  My brother’s issues to what this has brought is different to mine because his children are older, my sister in-law has a different job to ours and his job is threatened in a different way.  My close friends family members are on the front line which alters their behaviours, anxieties and perspectives on the situation.  Family and friends are very similar to us with similar outlooks and values but we also have our own personal world’s that can seem very very different.

I’ll combobble my way through time and maybe, just maybe this time will teach me that I don’t need to ‘do’ and maybe I can just ‘be’.  That’s clearly something I need to do.

I hope that You are looking after you, utilising your support structures and that you’re dealing with your own hardships and losses well.

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations

Where’s the mob when you need it?

I’m fucking disappointed.  This time is the nearest thing we face to the apocalypse and there’s been no bizarre medieval shit going on.  I was getting excited about the descent of human nature but this isn’t materialising at all.  We’re doing relatively well. 

Not once have I seen a group of people stoning someone for buying too much loo roll.  There no reports of lynch mobs roaming the streets preying on those who may look a bit ill or who are not making an essential journey.  No wonder people are breaking the rules when social order is not policed like it should be. 

Maybe we need to recruit volunteers.  If you think you’d be good at stoning people or fancy stringing people up, you can be pat of the revolution.  Who knows, this time next year we could be the Kings and Queens of the world.

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations

Bizarrely Optimistic!

As this historic situation settles itself into reality, I imagine we’re all going through our own processes that started with shock anxiety as it began to bite us, planning for it (even though we don’t know what to plan for), confusion over the conflicting info, hope and optimism that it will all be ok in time and general fear maybe?  I’ve started off all jolly and optimistic laced with trying to be realistic but I’m wavering up and down all the time. . 

As human’s we’re not keen on change and we get comfort and security in repeating our routines.  You throw mass change and  uncertainty into any large group and it will being the best and worst out in us.  As our fascinating noodles tries to comprehend and cope with this, they’ll be horrendous selfishness and beautiful love and care being shown.

I console myself with the fact that we’ll get through this with the belief that a great deal of good will come from this.  Maybe we need something so huge to disrupt us from our overly comfortable self-centred lives to remind us of how great we can pull together as a human race and that our normality is actually quite fucking brilliant.  It may also remind us that we’re overly self-indulgent and unappreciative of the fundamentals.  This virus is making us focus on our health – one of our absolute primary needs that we take for granted and abuse.

They’ll be pain and hurt in the weeks ahead as well as joy and appreciation.  We’re seeing such love being expressed and great effort to support each other.  From the morning work-outs for kids, the teachers working remotely to the hands on hell that health professionals are dealing with.  On that note, there’s not a great deal of media attention on what’s happening on the front line.  I wonder if this is because we won’t be able to cope well with this stark reality?

I will seek to make the best of things and hold onto the faith in myself, in society and in the future.

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Hmmmm??

Containing the Outbreak

I’m wondering what the ethical considerations are for containing the corona-virus by giving everyone the right to shoot someone coughs or just looks a bit ill.

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations WTF is that?

My Alcohol Trap

I think (and fucking pray) I’m not the only one who has self-defeating patterns.  As mine play out, they increase my inner sense of self-loathing and defeat.  An example of this would be smoking (I’m not a smoker btw) as most people don’t want to smoke and will often feel shit for smoking and will escape this shit feeling my smoking more and so it goes on and on. 

The vices are all like this I suppose – drugs, gambling, hookers and porn.  Are they all the vices? A vice is something that is immoral or evil so on that basis the list is endless.  Religion should be on the list for definite, so should bad shoes, Postman fuckin Pat and twatty sales-people who want to push shit on you for heir own means.  These are all evil and immoral.  As well as being vices, the standard ones (drugs, booze etc) are also fun.  By virtue of the man in the sky, being a good person renders you to an eternity in heaven but you’re not allowed to do these fun things – this is not my idea of heaven.  If you snuck booze and hookers into heaven, would you be evicted??

Anyhoo, we digress.  Self-defeating patterns!  One of mine is alcohol related.  I love alcohol.  I like the taste, the elements of drinking culture, being in pubs, feeling pissed and how booze can affect my behaviours.  I tend not to get bad hangovers so I do not feel ill that often either which is fab in one way but is also a massive enabler to drink too much.  I can convince myself that there’s no real negative consequences as I can still function ok (I function ok, but not necessarily well). 

So here’s the pattern.  I like to feel good and have fun.  Alcohol helps with that whether I’m with my partner or friends.  We drink, chat and laugh.  Without alcohol, things don’t flow so well and I feel a bit anxious or stunted.  Once I feel something, the slightest bit of merriment which may not even consciously, I then binge! I then want to feel pissed so start to drink more and more to chase it until I feel pissed.  I’m probably talking shit and mis-interpreting stuff massively at this point which can be fun as we laugh more or I feel loved or I’m more loving.  The opposite is also true at times – I can feel hurt more easily making me defensive so arguments can arise out of anywhere. 

Next day there’s always consequences probably (?), where I’ll feel more tired because of the alcohol and because I probably stayed up later.  I’m then more prone to feeling low and anxious and lack the sharp clarity of thoughts I may usually have.  My very being is suppressed.  I then feel guilt and shit about this making me want to drink more so then begin to plan the next binge.  And so it goes on and on. 

Being the logical being that I am, I’m also aware of a healthier pattern.  That would be the ‘not getting pissed’ pattern.  This would involve still doing everything I do, but just not getting pissed.  The benefits outweigh the costs.  I’ll be fitter, healthier, weigh less, feel better about myself, be less guilty, feel sharper, more energised and generally all round better.  It’s a no-brainer and I’ve known this for fucking years but nothing changes.

So why do I repeat this?  Feeling fresh and good when I wake on a Saturday would be fab.  But getting pissed, dancing, laughing, pissing about and staying up late at the time makes me feel alive and that feels great.  My frustration here is that maybe it feels more unbalanced that it did before.  I shall muse on this, may feel uneasy about it so will get pissed to escape the feelings of discomfort.

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations

The Wheel of Fortune

I had a notion today that metaphorically articulates loneliness.  I owe a friend some cash after a weekend away and he’s not sure how much so I said that unless he gives me a figure I’ll create a wheel of fortune, give it a spin and he’ll have whatever the wheel dictates.  This could be one of the figures dotted around the board or special prize like a new cat or a facelick every day for a month (that would be special).  I then thought, if I were really bored and lonely, I would probably do this anyway.  I’d quite like to have a wheel of fortune for when the friends that are too tired and caught up in shit box-sets decide to make their annual visit.

I’d use my tools I have, that over the years seem to be accumulating.  This collection started out of necessity as when I first bought a house, I’d buy cheap power tools, have a go, do a half decent job following a few Tourette’s moments and feel happy for not having paid a professional.  As the shit tools broke, I began to replace with better quality stuff.  This is just another example of the descent into suburban mediocrity; all these little things add up to being the dad-like figure you vowed you’d never be when you were in your 20’s (fuck I sound depressing sometimes).  So, in a disappointingly sensible and functional way, I now have an array of tools to make stuff with.  Add in the DIY experiences and shit home-make-over documentaries that plagued us 10 years ago that I watched because I was too knackered to do anything else, and I’m good to go.

In such lonely circumstance, the cat be the hostess and suitably dressed as Jenny Powell, I would be host and would also play the part of Dave (my mate) as I spin the wheel.  I imagine he would probably get a few booby prizes of ‘Help Dave become King of the Isle of Wight’ and ‘A new spider every month’.  I think the latter would be harder to deliver than I think and the takeover of the Isle of Wight is worth a bash.  Who would stop us?  My biggest concern though is that in this dire lonely state would be that the cat would begin to look attractive as Jenny.  I wonder if this how all bestiality begins?  I also wonder what other shit loneliness could drive us to do?

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