Tag: overthinking

Categories
WTF is that?

This Shit Didn’t Happen In My 30’s

In a daring attempt to take crazy risks in my crazy suburban life, I decided to try not just 1, but fucking 2 new shower gel flavours. I was being one crazy hoop-a-loop that day. But to my dismay, they’re a bit shit. Not terrible, but I’ve had better which has exploded into a stressful ball of shit

Now, because I can’t waste this, every shower is filled with a sense of defeat and sorrow – it’s fuckin awful. I’m aware that this is a 1st world problem, but I’d probably feel the same state of sorrow and despair if the only water source was a well and it dried up.

Anyhoo, it’s easy to state that I should just chuck it and in my 30’s I would have done in a flash. But now, in my 40’s, I just can’t do this. Why is that. I was far more wasteful and carefree before. Now that I’ve got more money I can’t do this as I’d dwell on the waste and that would be upsetting.

So is that better than ongoing crap showers; is the cost to my wellbeing worth the cost of new shower gel. Maybe the crap showers will help build resilience in the sense that challenges make us stronger. I’d go to a therapist to discuss this but that costs much more than the shower gel so it’d just make matters worse.

It’s a fucked up suburban situation and this is just one of them. Another, is that the cleaner who comes every 2 weeks, also does my wife’s nails and I appreciate this utter great ability we have to have these fabulous luxuries in our lives. However, when Sam comes to do nails, I feel a need to ensure that the house is very clean so that she doesn’t get offended that I’ve not maintained her hard work. I’d feel I was insulting her profession to just let the cleanliness go. to help with this, I have booked a cleaner to come before Sam comes to do my wife’s nails next and that’s helped lots.

I really don’t know how I survive sometimes though. I’m taking the car to the mechanic today and he gets properly offended if I haven’t looked after the car very well. So much so, that I’ve got a mobile mechanic on it right now to make sure it’s tip-top. I’m so close to packing a ruck-sack and fucking off to Mongolia to farm yaks.

I hope you life is freer from such torturous and ridiculous stresses.

Categories
Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations

Mediocrity is Just a Wanky Reaction to Society’s Need for us to Conform

Mediocrity enrages me especially when I see it in myself and in my own life.  The way society encourages and manipulates us to conform means that most people just give up and live on some shit autopilot planet of doing the 2.4 kids, 9-5 meaningless shit work and feel a bit wild by having half a glass of pinot while listening to Coldplay.

It’s such a soft and submissive response to allow your life to be dictated to where you go through the day without purpose until you die, just to leave your offspring to do the same.  Does society need these ant-like characters to exist to keep it going. I guess it does in society’s present form but then it’s that self-feeding system where nothing changes.  Society runs well because people conform but then many lose their identity as they’re swallowed up and rewarded for being just like everyone else.  The most obvious rewards from peer and societal approval and a monthly salary that is just enough to fulfil your needs but not enough to feel secure enough to break free from the rat race.  But that doesn’t really matter, as you’re so conditioned to accept your place in society, that even if you could afford to not work, you wouldn’t have fucking clue what else to do.  Obviously the conspiracy theorist twats will see this all the government’s doing where they control us to fund their lifestyles but at least they have the bollocks to question what’s going on and they don’t automatically accept the spoon of mediocrity so readily.

Like most of our annoyances, they’re born out of our own relationship with them and fear of them.  So I fear being a mediocre twat and it concerns me when I see evidence of this in myself and there’s a lot of fucking evidence tbf.  I live in a suburban semi, have kids, a wife, pets and spend too much time on social media or watching shit on telly because I’m too tired from working to provide the mediocre life to do anything else on most evenings.  Pre-adult mediocrity, I went out more, explored more and felt less of a need for routine and structure to keep me grounded.  Now I’m emotionally attached to these things and feel out of control should something slip or alter.  I’ve unwittingly become a victim of conditioning.

So to be more free means engaging in my identity more?  Being expressive and creative. I shall write ‘I love Coldplay’ in large letters in the road in my own shit as a first step and see how this feels.  I may have to save my bodily waste product for few days which may not be pleasant and if this becomes my signature art style it’s possible that I’ll lose the said wife and suburban comfort. Maybe that’s the test I need: To lose it to see if I’d miss the world I’ve been conditioned to create.

Categories
Questionable Observations

Revolving Conflict

It’s been far too long since the last post and far too long since my brain has meandered through the corridors of my existence.  When writing a post, I start with a basic idea that’s on my mind and then the fingers wander around the keyboard until it’s published on the weblog and I spend some anxious times thinking about how shit it is, that it’s futile and just stupid (all of which are reflective on parts of my self-esteem I imagine) before my mind is distracted with a new stressor that gazumps in.

And so to start …..There are endless emotional and logical conflicts that affect my noodle and the one that’s dancing about my synapses today is fight between giving myself permission to relax and do nothing (logical choice) versus the need to do something of worth with my time all of the time (emotional/anxiety based need).  This can be to do anything that means I can justify my time and can range from food shopping for the family, mowing the lawn or I even think digging a hole and filling it in would stop me feeling the guilt of doing nothing.

I’m sure I’m not the only one that punishes themselves ridiculously – Well I fuckin hope I’m not.  So let’s imagine that You – the reader does this and that you’re the only one in the entire world that has these ridiculous inner conflicts.  Everyone else in the world is logical and self-assured; living an emotionally torture-free life whereas you are different from everyone else as you constantly tie yourself in anxious knots forever fuelled by your overthinking.  Not only that, you’re also being broadcast to everyone else’s social media to remind them not to be such a contradictory fuck-wit.  The broadcast shows your outward behaviour and also narrates the inner thoughts and emotions.  Obviously it’s a comedy where everyone laughs at your unnecessary and futile punishments and this mocking just helps reinforce to the entire population that they’re ok and you’re ultimately some sort of twat.  The ludicrous inner conflict really is only worthy of a sitcom rather than of validation and endless self-defeating exploration.

Mocking is suits people so horrendously by falsely empowering the insecure to allow them to feel better about themselves even when they are being ridiculous, plain stupid or even murderously evil.  In that sense, we’re all suggestible and mouldable and we all have it in us to be manipulated away from our social norms and morals with the right stimulus and right reward systems.  It can happen so easily as we uncomfortably take small steps and with each step we take we get rewarded so feel good about making the step and it encourages us to continue, just a bit further, then a bit more and before we know it, we’re just sacrificed an ostrich by shoving it’s head up our arse to ‘cleanse it’s soul’  and are now feeding to our grandparents as we believe it will heal them from the errors of their ways.  You then feel sorry for all the people you see as naïve twats who are yet to wake up to what’s really happening in the world.  The pandemic is a great example here.  The nation in fact the entire globe changed their lives and conformed to the governments rules at greats self-sacrifice.  We all complied in one way or another in the same way we all conform.  Whether this be wearing gender-defining clothing or driving on one side of the road.  

So beyond the digression, there’s a need for me to give myself permission to relax and a need to feel it’s ok and not to feel it’s bad.  But there’s this monstrous negative association with doing nothing.  Influences could be that there’s inherited values around lazy twats do nothing, repeated messages that you get nothing if you don’t work, or associations with act of ‘doing’ such as working = approval from others = acceptance = I’m ok = I’m not a nobody twat.  All that stuff means I move away from doing nothing; from feeling that I am nothing to doing something of tangible worth to feel that I am something.  This feeling of self-worth often fades as quickly as it takes for the paint to dry on the latest project so needs topping up daily, of not hourly.  Fuck, we torture ourselves endlessly.  Maybe it’s Mother Nature’s way of population control so that we all age through futile and pointless work and stressing. 

Why is nature female and God male.  Did God fuck mother nature and she gave birth to the earth?  Have I just accidently stumbled across the greatest unknown truth of creation ever.  This may be the start of a formulation of my cult.  It may sound ridiculous but then it’s more credible that the fairy-tales of religion.

Categories
Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations WTF is that?

Do I have to accept the reality of normality?

Being in your 40’s is fucking hard; soul-destroying at times and my rejection of the acceptance of normality fuels massive frustration.  Do I have to accept being average and being fucking normal; To just be like everyone else??  I didn’t aspire to be fucking average when I was younger.  I rejected that whole notion of conformity and wanted to be my authentic and unique self, however, on reflection, I conformed to the norms with my peers.

I still harbour the want for more – this is an undefined more it’s not even illogical fantasies of being famous or hugely rich that plaque my mind.  When I really consider it, the community of the rich and famous is largely a bunch of fucked up twats who feel inadequate and seek more fame and fortune to feel better.  Their lives are littered with shit relationships, unhappiness and addiction.  Maybe I could do it for a year of that though then get out.  Reflecting on it, I think I could do it for a week as being around these fake, narcissistic twats who would annoy the fuck out of me. 

Maybe it’s time to embrace where I am in life and who I am. To accept life as it is and to love it because generally it is fuckin great.  My frustration is injected with rocket fuel at the thought of ‘I should be doing something better’.  I have no idea what the ‘better’ is btw and when it all gets too much there’s alcohol to distract me followed by guilt and self-loathing for getting pissed once again.  La la la.  I imagine our creator is laughing his ass off at the how his planet has morphed into this chaotic pandemonium of overthinking twats.

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started