Category: Questionable Observations

Questionable Observations from my eyes

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Questionable Observations

Guilt, Only I can set me free ….

Guilt is my leach-like companion, the vicious little bastard.  It’s always there, lingering about, ready to pull me down at any moment.  When I’m happy enough, it’ll give me a reminder by doing shit like making me compare myself negatively to others or ask me self-doubting questions. 

She’s such a pain that I try avoid her or soothe myself sometimes in good ways and sometimes in less than good ways.  ‘Doing’ is a big avoidance and self-soothing strategy.  It serves so much.  I’m distracted, thinking less and can self-righteously tell myself that I’m ok especially if I’m doing something like cooking or working as this of tangible worth. 

Failing doing stuff, because I can’t ‘do’ stuff all the time (although the crazed psycho Guilt would say that I fucking can be doing things of worth all the time tbf), there’s Guilt’s good ol buddy who’s ever ready to support her, Alcohol.  Yeah, alcohol is fab for self-soothing, having a break from it all and fooling yourself into thinking you’re the coolest fucker in the entire world.  Guilt loves alcohol as it can take joyful power from you having it ‘ha, you fucked up again – you talked like a twat, made yourself ill, spent too much money …..’

I’m told we should move towards the parts of us that make us feel uneasy or bad so maybe I should befriend the annoying twat.  But then, I avoid annoying twats in life because they’re annoying fucking twats. 

I did find once that if I smother them (with attention, not a blanket although that would be a more enduring solution), they fuck off, so maybe I should embrace and rejoice in guilt.  I may run around pronouncing to the world all the things I do that fuel the guilt.  If you see me walking about shouting stuff like –  ‘I did fuck all this evening other than look at shit on social media’, ‘the kids drove me crazy today and I stopped them playing Xbox’ or ‘I got pissed last night so have slept in but still feel horribly hungover so I have little time or energy for my family’.  Maybe quietly owning my behaviours and reassuring myself that I’ve made these behavioural choices (possibly fuelled by guilt in some way anyway) would be a little more dignified? 

On reflection, beneath the guilt is most probably shame and this drives the guilt.  Maybe no matter how much I manage the guilt, the driving force still remains, creating more and more like an unstoppable crazy wind turbine caught in an infinite hurricane. 

Resolve the shame and the guilt will go?  Shame can live within us all so very easily and we carry it unknowingly from our childhood into adulthood and wonder why the fuck we behave so ridiculously sometimes.  Self-sabotage is a big indicator of this.

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations WTF is that?

Amazing Discoveries – Amazing-ish anyhow!!

It’s been an oodle of time since my last post and the entire world has changed.  It’s not that I’m saying the world has changed because I’ve not posted for some time but that will have happened somewhere in a parallel universe.  So, I’ve been musing quietly and flitting from high to low and scurrying around in endless circles to adapt my entire life to the changes that the virus has brought.  It’s been a set of fuckin endless and different challenges – that’s for sure.  Highs and lows and diverse tangents of joy and shit.  Now I’m used to the hermit lifestyle and feel a bit happy with it so I’m starting feel anxious about returning to normal.

I’ve made 2 amazing discoveries during this time.  These are both psychological concepts before you get overtly excited.  This is on top of finding Jesus who is alive and well in a complex love triangle with Elvis and Lucifer and there is great gossip in this discovery.  It turns out Jesus’ father is Lucifer – who’d have thought that? I don’t think Jesus knows this yet, but apparently Elvis is aware.  No wonder God was keen to convince the world he was male and the virgin Mary gave birth to the saviour, when all along, she’s been shagging the devil which created our saviour.  I guess if the truth were known from day 1, they’d have had difficulty nurturing their cult into the worldwide religion.

Anyhoo, I digress as I share insulting notions.  So, Discovery 1 – My frustrations and issues remain the same even though the entire fucking world and my own personal world has changed.  There’s still not enough time in the day, I still can’t get enough done and I still need to work more or do more.  How is this possible?  It can’t possibly be anything to do with me whatsoever can it.  It’s not my underlying beliefs about not being good enough and my need to do more to just feel ok about myself that drives this.  It’s definitely not a self-defeating, self-propelling and impossible cycle.  It’s also not my need to do things to feel like I’m productive just to feel ok.  It must be something and only if I were good enough I could figure this out.  Maybe it’s my punishment for my blasphemy.  If I dug holes and filled them in because I believed there was a purpose, this would make me feel better then spending time doing nothing (that’s what others call relaxing I think, or others don’t even have a name for it because its their normal state). 

Discovery 2 – We all have our individual lives.  I know, this doesn’t sound like a big discovery and it’s not as mind blowing as finding out that God’s blowing Lucifer I suppose.  What I’ve found though that everyone is suffering losses and hardship in their own specific way.  My brother’s issues to what this has brought is different to mine because his children are older, my sister in-law has a different job to ours and his job is threatened in a different way.  My close friends family members are on the front line which alters their behaviours, anxieties and perspectives on the situation.  Family and friends are very similar to us with similar outlooks and values but we also have our own personal world’s that can seem very very different.

I’ll combobble my way through time and maybe, just maybe this time will teach me that I don’t need to ‘do’ and maybe I can just ‘be’.  That’s clearly something I need to do.

I hope that You are looking after you, utilising your support structures and that you’re dealing with your own hardships and losses well.

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations

Where’s the mob when you need it?

I’m fucking disappointed.  This time is the nearest thing we face to the apocalypse and there’s been no bizarre medieval shit going on.  I was getting excited about the descent of human nature but this isn’t materialising at all.  We’re doing relatively well. 

Not once have I seen a group of people stoning someone for buying too much loo roll.  There no reports of lynch mobs roaming the streets preying on those who may look a bit ill or who are not making an essential journey.  No wonder people are breaking the rules when social order is not policed like it should be. 

Maybe we need to recruit volunteers.  If you think you’d be good at stoning people or fancy stringing people up, you can be pat of the revolution.  Who knows, this time next year we could be the Kings and Queens of the world.

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations

Bizarrely Optimistic!

As this historic situation settles itself into reality, I imagine we’re all going through our own processes that started with shock anxiety as it began to bite us, planning for it (even though we don’t know what to plan for), confusion over the conflicting info, hope and optimism that it will all be ok in time and general fear maybe?  I’ve started off all jolly and optimistic laced with trying to be realistic but I’m wavering up and down all the time. . 

As human’s we’re not keen on change and we get comfort and security in repeating our routines.  You throw mass change and  uncertainty into any large group and it will being the best and worst out in us.  As our fascinating noodles tries to comprehend and cope with this, they’ll be horrendous selfishness and beautiful love and care being shown.

I console myself with the fact that we’ll get through this with the belief that a great deal of good will come from this.  Maybe we need something so huge to disrupt us from our overly comfortable self-centred lives to remind us of how great we can pull together as a human race and that our normality is actually quite fucking brilliant.  It may also remind us that we’re overly self-indulgent and unappreciative of the fundamentals.  This virus is making us focus on our health – one of our absolute primary needs that we take for granted and abuse.

They’ll be pain and hurt in the weeks ahead as well as joy and appreciation.  We’re seeing such love being expressed and great effort to support each other.  From the morning work-outs for kids, the teachers working remotely to the hands on hell that health professionals are dealing with.  On that note, there’s not a great deal of media attention on what’s happening on the front line.  I wonder if this is because we won’t be able to cope well with this stark reality?

I will seek to make the best of things and hold onto the faith in myself, in society and in the future.

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Questionable Observations WTF is that?

It’s Time to be More Free

I’m trapping myself once more in the unnecessary needs of my own suburban life.  I’m self-employed and I continually expect the business to grow which means I tend to put more in, feel stressed if I have a low week/month and feel guilt if I’m not doing the marketing and admin aspects of it that I don’t really see as necessary to the day to day activities.  As it grows, I then buy unnecessary shit like a summer house or new windows.  This adds more pressure to fund this which means that I don’t take enough time off which stresses me which means I want to ‘treat myself’ with unnecessary shit to soothe my noodle, which creates a further need to earn more and therefore not take time off.  And so the fucked up hamster wheel continues.

Part of the desire to run my own business, beyond doing something of purpose that had solid ethical roots and was run to a very high standard, was to have the freedom it gives. It does give a whole heap of freedom such as doing very little on Thursdays, being able to do most of the schools runs (although that doesn’t always feel like a privilege at times when we’re looking for the lost shoe once-a-fucking-gain when we need to be leaving the house) and spending more time with my children.  It does come with the restrictions that are ultimately self-imposed restrictions.  Most of our pressures are self-induced pressures anyway and evidently I like squeezing the absolute fuck out of myself. 

It’s like I’ve lost touch with my former more philosophical self.  That Self was making decisions where finance and money were in the background.  The decisions were driven about doing something of value and purpose that had a positive impact on society as a whole.  The income was secondary and I was willing to have a lower income in place of a greater sense of fulfilment.  This was fuelled from being sick of the spirit-crushing corporate world which seemed half-full of misdirected people who couldn’t find a vocation and were convincing themselves that the business world was for them.  The other half seemed to be sociopathic twats who were out to boost themselves from a status and financial perspective by taking from anything and anyone in their path.  It was a place of pointless paper pushing, despair and disgust for me. 

This despair helped lay the foundations of what I do now and why I do this.  Over the years I’ve lost focus on the ethical and philosophical foundations of what I do.  Writing this serves as a decent reminder to reconnect with that part of me.  Over time, I’ve grown and I’ve taken on new responsibilities which has added pressures to provide. My vocation remains strong and wonderfully fulfilling and maybe it’s time to let go of some of my self-induced needless pressures.

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations WTF is that?

My Alcohol Trap

I think (and fucking pray) I’m not the only one who has self-defeating patterns.  As mine play out, they increase my inner sense of self-loathing and defeat.  An example of this would be smoking (I’m not a smoker btw) as most people don’t want to smoke and will often feel shit for smoking and will escape this shit feeling my smoking more and so it goes on and on. 

The vices are all like this I suppose – drugs, gambling, hookers and porn.  Are they all the vices? A vice is something that is immoral or evil so on that basis the list is endless.  Religion should be on the list for definite, so should bad shoes, Postman fuckin Pat and twatty sales-people who want to push shit on you for heir own means.  These are all evil and immoral.  As well as being vices, the standard ones (drugs, booze etc) are also fun.  By virtue of the man in the sky, being a good person renders you to an eternity in heaven but you’re not allowed to do these fun things – this is not my idea of heaven.  If you snuck booze and hookers into heaven, would you be evicted??

Anyhoo, we digress.  Self-defeating patterns!  One of mine is alcohol related.  I love alcohol.  I like the taste, the elements of drinking culture, being in pubs, feeling pissed and how booze can affect my behaviours.  I tend not to get bad hangovers so I do not feel ill that often either which is fab in one way but is also a massive enabler to drink too much.  I can convince myself that there’s no real negative consequences as I can still function ok (I function ok, but not necessarily well). 

So here’s the pattern.  I like to feel good and have fun.  Alcohol helps with that whether I’m with my partner or friends.  We drink, chat and laugh.  Without alcohol, things don’t flow so well and I feel a bit anxious or stunted.  Once I feel something, the slightest bit of merriment which may not even consciously, I then binge! I then want to feel pissed so start to drink more and more to chase it until I feel pissed.  I’m probably talking shit and mis-interpreting stuff massively at this point which can be fun as we laugh more or I feel loved or I’m more loving.  The opposite is also true at times – I can feel hurt more easily making me defensive so arguments can arise out of anywhere. 

Next day there’s always consequences probably (?), where I’ll feel more tired because of the alcohol and because I probably stayed up later.  I’m then more prone to feeling low and anxious and lack the sharp clarity of thoughts I may usually have.  My very being is suppressed.  I then feel guilt and shit about this making me want to drink more so then begin to plan the next binge.  And so it goes on and on. 

Being the logical being that I am, I’m also aware of a healthier pattern.  That would be the ‘not getting pissed’ pattern.  This would involve still doing everything I do, but just not getting pissed.  The benefits outweigh the costs.  I’ll be fitter, healthier, weigh less, feel better about myself, be less guilty, feel sharper, more energised and generally all round better.  It’s a no-brainer and I’ve known this for fucking years but nothing changes.

So why do I repeat this?  Feeling fresh and good when I wake on a Saturday would be fab.  But getting pissed, dancing, laughing, pissing about and staying up late at the time makes me feel alive and that feels great.  My frustration here is that maybe it feels more unbalanced that it did before.  I shall muse on this, may feel uneasy about it so will get pissed to escape the feelings of discomfort.

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Questionable Observations

Killing the New Year List

I’ve been having increasing numbers murderous thoughts lately so I have done a bit of planning.  Like most people, I have a list. You know, the kill list of twats who fuckin grate on you for reasons you can’t identify.  Just the mention of their name insights the need to punch something and seeing a visual of some sort sends you into a mini-rage where you want to burn somethings and destroy everything around you with a hammer and your cock.  We all have these people who we hate.

The top 3 on list are Bob Warman, Postman Pat and Celine Dion.  Elton John’s a close 4th.  Bob’s been headlining the list of years and I could bang on forever about why he’s on it, but there’s not enough internet space.  I’m told Pat is an unusual entry, but he’s a smug little twat who’s been into bestiality for years right under our noses.  Actually, the only thing that bothers me about him shagging Jess is that he seems far too nice.  If you’re going to be a deviant, at least look the fuckin part.

From an academic perspective, you could argue that these people annoy the fuck out of you for specific reasons.  It could be that they remind you of parts of you that you don’t like and in rejecting these parts of you, you project your feelings of anger and hatred onto them as it’s less painful than to admit you’re a bit like them in some way.  Saying that, with pat being on my list, I love my cat, but it’s not the sort of pussy that could tempt me.  Fuck theories and logic as that always ruins emotional discharge.  Let’s focus on the murderous intent as a healthy way of expression.  If we don’t express ourselves, we hold all the emotion in which could lead to outbursts at inappropriate times such as in the midst of a christening or in the supermarket which would cause embarrassment and humiliation.  Let’s be safe kids; let’s express ourselves. 

So, I’ve decided to dress up as Postman Pat, avoid black and white cats for the day just in case I get too much into character and a friend is dressing up as Celine.  Being convincing look-a-likes is key here as we’re then going to borrow Elton’s helicopter and shoot Bob while he does a live broadcast.  This will clear the list – this will clear my January to-do list as poor ol’ ‘should’ve been killed years ago’ Bob meets his demise at the hands of Pat and Celine, who will be seen to enjoying the killing, the sick bastards, in Elton’s helicopter.  Granted, Elton will get a lessor sentence because he’s only an accessory, however, I don’t think he’ll survive in prison that long.

The only worry now is, what to do with the rest of the year?

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations

The Wheel of Fortune

I had a notion today that metaphorically articulates loneliness.  I owe a friend some cash after a weekend away and he’s not sure how much so I said that unless he gives me a figure I’ll create a wheel of fortune, give it a spin and he’ll have whatever the wheel dictates.  This could be one of the figures dotted around the board or special prize like a new cat or a facelick every day for a month (that would be special).  I then thought, if I were really bored and lonely, I would probably do this anyway.  I’d quite like to have a wheel of fortune for when the friends that are too tired and caught up in shit box-sets decide to make their annual visit.

I’d use my tools I have, that over the years seem to be accumulating.  This collection started out of necessity as when I first bought a house, I’d buy cheap power tools, have a go, do a half decent job following a few Tourette’s moments and feel happy for not having paid a professional.  As the shit tools broke, I began to replace with better quality stuff.  This is just another example of the descent into suburban mediocrity; all these little things add up to being the dad-like figure you vowed you’d never be when you were in your 20’s (fuck I sound depressing sometimes).  So, in a disappointingly sensible and functional way, I now have an array of tools to make stuff with.  Add in the DIY experiences and shit home-make-over documentaries that plagued us 10 years ago that I watched because I was too knackered to do anything else, and I’m good to go.

In such lonely circumstance, the cat be the hostess and suitably dressed as Jenny Powell, I would be host and would also play the part of Dave (my mate) as I spin the wheel.  I imagine he would probably get a few booby prizes of ‘Help Dave become King of the Isle of Wight’ and ‘A new spider every month’.  I think the latter would be harder to deliver than I think and the takeover of the Isle of Wight is worth a bash.  Who would stop us?  My biggest concern though is that in this dire lonely state would be that the cat would begin to look attractive as Jenny.  I wonder if this how all bestiality begins?  I also wonder what other shit loneliness could drive us to do?

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Questionable Observations WTF is that?

Crap Coat? Are You Guilty?

Why do lots of people my age where dull coats and jackets that look like they’ve been brought in a 1970’s camping shop?  I was with my eldest son at a Scouts activity day a few weeks ago and all the other parents were wearing North Face shit or the Millets equivalent.  I’m disappointed in their lack of humanity and creativity.  North Face are either laughing their arses off at how they’ve made so many people buy their shit or they need shooting for crimes against humanity.

People in their 30’s and 40’s tend to spend a bit of time and energy on their shirts and tops.  It’s the usual mis-informed shit of Superdry and Under Armour which makes them feel cool when really, we all think they look like twats but at least they show effort.  You can respect that!  But then, the dullest, shittest coat is sported on top. 

Am I missing something?  Am I an insufferable cock for not dulling myself down?  Does everyone else dull themselves to fade into the background to allow their children to shine then look at me like I’m some horrifically self-centred twat?  Is their lack of effort just a reflection of being exhausted from balancing home, kids and work? 

I think we should create a study to explore this further.  Firstly, we should create a questionnaire to ask the guilty about what the fuck they’re doing, but obviously use kinder words so not to create a defensive response.  I’ve drafted a few q’s –

1 – Do you wear a shit coat because you want to hide your embarrassing Superdry top from the world?

2 – Is your choice of coat linked to (tick all that may apply) –

  • You wish to repel your partner as your relationship has fizzled out and you dare not end it directly
  • You just don’t give a shit about how you look
  • You’re not that bothered about how you look
  • You’re not that bothered about what others think of you
  • You like to blend into the background
  • You delusionally think North Face and similar styled coats are actually quite cool
  • As a Coldplay fan, you seek to do as much to replicate being a soppy twat like Chris Martin
  • You have low self esteem and this is a way to covertly feel shit

3 – How much does age contribute to your shit choice of outerwear?

4 – How much thought did you put into your choice of outer wear? 

5 – Is your answer to question 4 a lie?  (really?)

6 – How often do you shop for coats while wearing a blindfold?

The 2nd arm of the study is to create 2 groups of people who wear this sort of shit.  The first group will do nothing and the 2nd group will be given a supply of stimulants to (cocaine and ecstasy comes to mind).  We’ll then assess the changes to the group who had the drugs compared to the control group to see if adding fun to their lives changes their dull exteriors. 

The more I think about it the more confused and upset I become.  I need to separate myself from the trauma of this as in reality, it’s just the most minute part of life.  I’m no coat-nazi, well, I don’t want to be as I’m sure there’s better things I can focus my noodle on?  I’m not sure what at the moment though.  As the thoughts begin to dwell, I can feel the initial brewing of anger.  I need to stop myself as ‘I set fire to him because he had a shit coat’ would not stand up so well in court.

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Questionable Observations

The only media You need

In the run up to the election, this is the only media You need – https://weeklyworldnews.com/ . I believe it’ll save you the relentless contradictory, knit-picky, bullshit promises from the corrupt parasites that we have virtually no choice to elect – Fuck, what a sad state of affairs. I hope the fresh faced ones will remain on the side of virtue for a little longer than their peers.

On a similar note, in one of John Cleese’s books (‘Life and how to survive it’ I think), he and Robyn Skynner question why some people feel a need to put themselves in a position of power. Let that one rest on your mind for a while.

#weeklyworldnews @JohnCleese #usualpoliticalshit #feelingpowerless

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