Category: Questionable Observations

Questionable Observations from my eyes

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Questionable Observations

I am now a Troll :-(

Fuck, I’ve just accidently taken the first step to becoming a Twitter troll.  Oh fucking shame on me.  I replied to a message with a sarcastic blasphemous undertone that could be take in a number of ways.  The post was about some people on the ‘Only Jesus Tour’ and their bus broke down.  I respond saying about how this builds resilience but don’t let it shake your faith.  I love that Jesus did this to these people though – What’s the purpose of doing this you weird sado when these blind believers are appealing to your needs for constant adulation?  (why the fuck does Jesus need this adulation – were their childhood issues creating feelings of grandiosity?  Was Joseph mean to him because he knew he wasn’t his father, was Mary neglectful through the guilt of shagging about and spinning the virgin birth story?)  As far as I’m concerned, Lucifer is ruling and is laughing his ass off at all the excuses we make for the pre-positioned narcissistic so called God of ours. 

Anyway, my noodle digresses.  This step was fuelled by the anonymity of my twitter account (@eternalfrustra1) and now I’m worried I’ll become one of these toxic keyboard warrior twats who abuses the vulnerable because I can.  Becoming a Troll and expressing my anger, might help with releasing some of my frustrations though.  Hmmmm.  I may try random physical attacks first.

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations WTF is that?

Do I have to accept the reality of normality?

Being in your 40’s is fucking hard; soul-destroying at times and my rejection of the acceptance of normality fuels massive frustration.  Do I have to accept being average and being fucking normal; To just be like everyone else??  I didn’t aspire to be fucking average when I was younger.  I rejected that whole notion of conformity and wanted to be my authentic and unique self, however, on reflection, I conformed to the norms with my peers.

I still harbour the want for more – this is an undefined more it’s not even illogical fantasies of being famous or hugely rich that plaque my mind.  When I really consider it, the community of the rich and famous is largely a bunch of fucked up twats who feel inadequate and seek more fame and fortune to feel better.  Their lives are littered with shit relationships, unhappiness and addiction.  Maybe I could do it for a year of that though then get out.  Reflecting on it, I think I could do it for a week as being around these fake, narcissistic twats who would annoy the fuck out of me. 

Maybe it’s time to embrace where I am in life and who I am. To accept life as it is and to love it because generally it is fuckin great.  My frustration is injected with rocket fuel at the thought of ‘I should be doing something better’.  I have no idea what the ‘better’ is btw and when it all gets too much there’s alcohol to distract me followed by guilt and self-loathing for getting pissed once again.  La la la.  I imagine our creator is laughing his ass off at the how his planet has morphed into this chaotic pandemonium of overthinking twats.

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Questionable Observations

The New Drink!!

OMfuckingGod, gloriousness has been presented and personified in the form of a fab new drink. Vodka, Lilt (or supermarket version of it) and Pink Grapefruit juice. It is angelic and beautiful. I recommend we all drink it. In glancing through the bible, I can see that I’m not the original creator of this though. Apparently the Unicorn’s told Noah when he was on that crazy boat of his and he loved it. So much so that he got pissed and accidentally forgot to close the Lion’s enclosure and they gobbled up the poor unicorns.

Personally, I think this inspired God to create karma (or her version of it) as it seems unfair to be eaten for introducing the world to something so lovely. Or maybe this was God’s karma on the one-horned freaks? Maybe she didn’t like them sharing this. Fuck, now I’ve spread this, I hope I don’t get eaten. If you see a headline ‘Happy and Pissed Man in his 40’s Eaten By Lions for Pissing God Off’, you’ll know why.

May I rest in peace.

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Questionable Observations

My Self-Defeating, Self-Imposed Prison

I am in this weird fucking prison where I repeatedly justify that it’s ok and the more I do this, the less chance of parole appears to the point where I will never want to leave.  Parenthood.  I used to think it was suburbia, but no, when parenting settled itself into my soul, parts of me began to fade.  The fun and care-free parts faded I think to be replaced with a sense of insecure worry and responsibility that gets so fucking ridiculous.  The constant need to make sure that the house is tidy enough, the fridge has the right foods, that they’ve got school clothes and the list is tiresomely fucking endless. 

Like a lot of horrendous shit such as abusive relationships and being conditioned, it evolves over time from an innocuous place or from a lovely place.  The wonderful partner who is so brilliant but then very slowly becomes abusive where we think so highly of them that we let these minor things go that then become more frequent harsher.  With every step we’re being conditioned to accept a new normality.  I’m not sure if comparing parenthood to abusive relationships is a realistic reflection but there are many fucking similarities.  You become less ‘you’, it’s stressful, you become someone you don’t recognise at times, you go out less, feel endless guilt and become isolated. 

Conditioning is ‘the process of training or accustoming a person or animal to behave in a certain way or to accept certain circumstances’.  We’re all conditioned in many ways.  We’re conditioned to conform which generally helps hold society together.  Our commonalities can help bond us.  Over time, we condition ourselves.

So, from the cool parents with a baby, it gradually evolves to having proper children and you’ve descended to being that parent:  Every question in the supermarket is answered with no and raised voices are a common part of the morning routine.  This then brings up guilt and generally feeling shit that you overcome by being loving and giving. 

What factors fucking influenced the descent to this magnolia orgy of shit of having to be the parent and all the wanky ways that go with it.  So, there’s the fundamental need to provide, having so much more to do, having less time and energy and the desire and social pressure of being a perfect parent.  Work and career steps up.  Slowly, this erodes fun and free thinking and we become trapped in a self-propelling plane of shit inside a swirling pressure cooker.

Children are hard work – they take lots of effort so we have less energy.  Less energy means we settle for shit we never would have done before.  There’s peer/parent/wanker pressure to be a good parent.  This shit comes at you from all angles – the cunt that is social media throws the continual contradictory messages of what being a good enough parent is which can only result in self doubt and wanting to do more as a parent.  This further erodes away of the other parts of your identity.  Running the home and teaching them values and healthy ways takes it’s toll.  Children are not adults so need constant reminding.  School time becomes that tense shit where every minute multiplies the volcanic stress which explodes upon the seemingly daily sound of ‘Daddy, I’ve lost my shoe’. 

A huge part of the sacrifice is that I want to be a great parent and give all I can to them.  As time continues, we’re conditioned to our norm and aspire to just be better.  I feel guilt at having a hangover as I’m not out on my bike with the kids at 8am and being the picture-perfect twat that I used to mock before parenthood and saw these people as a pretentious cunts. 

A huge part of the sacrifice is that I want to be a great parent and give all I can to them.  As time continues, we’re conditioned to our norm and aspire to just be better.  I feel guilt at having a hangover as I’m not out on my bike with the kids at 8am and being the picture-perfect twat that I used to mock before parenthood and saw these people as a pretentious cunts. 

So, from here on, I seek to stand up for all the parts of my identity.  The parent, the professional and the husband come first and swallow up the other ones.  I will fulfil being a great dad and seek to be the Dad I want to be.  To be fun, responsible, attentive and fucking awesome.  I will also uphold my profession well and enjoy my work.  I will also be Me.  I will not feel guilty for going on a stag do and I’ll have a great time.  I’ll get pissed, go to a strip club and when I have little energy the following day, I wont feel guilty.  It may mean that I will have to remind myself of all the good shit I’ve done that week where I’d rather just accept that it’s ok to be all parts of my identity.  I will seek to uphold them ALL as well as I can.  

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Questionable Observations

Is Being Laid Back OK?

Sometimes I think that I don’t react quickly enough or let things go too easily.  Am I too laid back?

On one hand, if it bothered me, I’d do something about it and I do.  It takes quite a lot though to act on my emotions and then it goes a bit extreme – it’s harsh cutting words, aggression or completely cutting someone off which means there’s a fear of being wrong, but when I’m definite, then string actions follow. 

I probably give more than I take in most relationships but there’s a big part of me that likes that – I like to give and care for others.  My career is in helping others.  I have boundaries and don’t let people take the piss but when they do take the piss, then I can let go of them very quickly.  

I’ve just experienced a great example of this.  I tend to write this blog on my mid-week day off in pub or beer garden.  So, having just left, I was on the way to collect the kids from school and did a turn in the road from the on-street parking.  The road is a suburban high street with café’s, shops and bars and is quite busy.  My turning, meant that someone had to slow down a little (not a lot) as I’d blocked the road.  As I passed him, I raised my hand in thanks and the moustachioed twat of a driver was shaking his head with a disapproving expression.  I hadn’t made him stop and caused minimal disruption to him so I assessed that my behaviour was ok.  If I’d had been in his position, I’d have gestured to say that it was ok and that I appreciate his acknowledgement.  When I got the twatty reaction, I swiftly and unconsciously raised my middle finger as he drew up next to me.  This felt good and confirmed that maybe I’m no pushover.

Other people seem to rise so easily and quickly.  It’s like– like they sit on a pit of fire and anger waiting (or praying) for it to ignite to get their festered shit out.  I’m closer to the other end of the scale and can berate myself for not reacting fast enough or reacting at all sometimes.  Maybe this contributes to my endless frustration??

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Questionable Observations

WTF on Meth

Had a proper ‘what the fuck has happened to me’ moment just now.  We’re going to Disney for a family holiday and it’s all brilliant tbf.  My wife has been doing oodles of research, the kids are on Youtube looking for their important stuff.  2 essential elements that have come up is an undeniable need for comfy shoes and that apparently, everyone has personalised family t-shirts? The deeply soul-repulsing and shameful result is that, I will be in wanky Jesus sandals and we’ll have matching family tops – This is a new WTF moment.  WTF does not do this state of affairs justice.  WTF on meth having become a born-again hymn singing evangelist dashed with hill-billy and super-annoying yanky whining is a more fitting description.  (Fuck, I just used ‘super’ as an adverb!! – I’ll be getting super-excited next).

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations

Fair Weather Park Wankers

Glorious glorious sunshine – hurrah. I live near Sutton Park which is a huge nature reserve with roads, paths, play areas, 5 lakes and loads of scenic stuff. I love it and love to cycle around. Yesterday though, with it being sunny and the weekend, all the fair weather park wankers were out – old folk aimlessly wandering, picnic shite, kids all everywhere and there were slow meandering fuckers all over the place getting in the way. Where were they when it was frosty or pissing it down? If you can’t commit properly to the park, these piss-takers should be banned when it’s sunny. I’d like to take over the park then I’d ensure that anyone going into it has a microchip implant that logs they’re activity. For every sunny day you enter the park, you need to have earned it by being in the park on at least 2 shit days. It’s only right! Who’s with me to enforce this? As a group we could also take over the numerous gatekeepers houses for summertime parties/park takeover party business.  Who knows, from their we could take over the town and expand our empire onwards. Viva la revelation. 

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Questionable Observations

Why Am I Frustrated?

It’s Saturday morning and the sun is shining – hurrah. The kids are up, they’re happy and healthy, work has gone well this week and all is well in the world. Or so it should be!

Within an hour of waking, my noodle now feels frustrated?? WTF is this about. There’s a need to do something that’s tangible. It’s sunny so lets go out on our bikes but the kids want to play on the Xbox. I want to build something, to do something so that my day is not wasted. But what actually fuckin happens? I spend my time being pissed off for not doing more while engaging in minor little tasks like writing on this blog that no fucker actually reads, or I’ve put something something on Ebay and I’ll soon clean the kitchen while this in fuckin frustration grows and grows. It’ll then be lunchtime and I’ll feel like the morning has been stolen which creates more frustration.

So, what’s the remedy. Obviously to chill the fuck out and take this ludicrous pressure off me is the answer. I can tell myself that I don’t have to be doing something all the time to be a valid human do I? Sitting and doing nothing is ok, especially considering what I’ve been doing all week. Meditation will help but I’m more inclined to drink, even though it’s not even 11am. Alcohol is great – getting pissed means I can’t do anything tangible so I have to do very little. It’s too early for porn but that can work to alleviate frustration as it engages and distracts me but obviously ends up with deeper guilt once I’ve pebble dashed the ceiling (that’s a slightly over-dramatised version of me releasing the glorious spooge but I may test that sometime to see if that’s possible – I’ll start in a place with low ceilings and hope that the owner of the cottage or shed doesn’t mind). I can’t get pissed and wank all the time as the sober and non-wanking times would create more fucking frustration and a feeling of lost time. Chill Noodle just fuckin Chill!!

Apparently, we all repeat patterns – behaviour patterns, thought patterns and emotional patterns and repeating what we’ve done before gives us a sense of comfort because it’s familiar. On this basis, do I then repeat patterns of feeling guilty and frustrated – Am i doing this to my fucking self? If so, there’s this sick fuckin sadist in me that’s stopping me from being happier. What part of me would do this – possibly the part of me that’s a bit evil; the part that lies, is resentful and is selfish; the part that gets me really pissed or encourages me to do all manner of unhealthy stuff (which may actually be the fun paert of me?). I think research is needed to tangibly identify the self-damaging parts of us and then a procedure is needed to evict that from our souls to free us from this negative shit.

At least then, you, the poor reader of this shit (if you fuckin exist) will not be subjected to having your brain infiltrated in this way. Maybe you like reading this shit, though? I hope so even if it is because it makes you feel better that there’s some twat out there repeating dysfunctional self-defeating and never-ending patterns of frustration which feels great because you’re not.

Anyhoo, wishing you a happy day.

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Hmmmm?? Questionable Observations WTF is that?

What the f’ck is happening??

So, my regular updates to the blog are going fucking well then!! – Only 2 posts in 3 months.  What is happening to me?  The ideal utopia of having a blog to splurge the irreverent shit in my noodle is not panning out to be the enlightened dawning I anticipated.  It’s becoming a personal failing: a woeful reminder of my inability to get things done and a vehicle to heap guilt upon myself for doing fuck all.

This negativity is further accentuated with the knowledge that heaping this shit on me will ultimately reduce my motivation and therefore further repeat the negative pattern. Ha, right there, in the last 2 sentences, I’ve possibly defined a major component of the human condition.  Fundamentally, we create our own self-propelling downward spirals and when we’re aware of them, we spiral faster.  I’m reinventing myself as a cat, they seem to non-chalantly meander in a guilt-free pleasure seeking existence.  They’d be narcissists if they were offensive but they just don’t give a fuck to warrant a negative enough reaction from anything or anyone.  They can do anything they want and be loved for it, the cute furry little shits.

My creativity seems to have been suppressed of late which relates to a central issue in my life that is pulling me down.  This issue falls into the norms of life I think.  There’s no outlandish concerns of being stressed because the latest album isn’t selling so well or the roadies are giving us shit.  I’d like those stressors. 

It’s not that the super-models I’ve been double dating have fallen in love with each other and are insisting I have a sex change to be with them.  What would I do in that fuckin situation?  Would I live with the constant rejection as I watch them cavort together, gently wanking and wiping away the tears to avoid bluring my vision of the erotic beauties ahead of me.  Can you wank and cry at the same time? (apparently you can – I’ve just googled it.  That’s hilarious, how bizarre would it be to witness that?).  So cry-wanking on one hand and sex change and collaborative fun on the other.  It seems like an easy decision, but I imagine the sex-change option is fraught with problems.  Also, what if they go off you when you reinvent yourself as Tiffany.  You’d end up re-releasing ‘I think We’re Alone Now’ as ‘I think I’m forever alone now’ and if you managed to keep you cock in the trans-gendering process, you could cry-wank to your own image, assuming that you’ve made yourself look pretty.  That would be an even more bizarre thing to witness.  At least being trans-gendered you’d be more socially acceptable and fashionable than being in your forties. 

In relation to wanking over your own image, the term narcissist comes from Greek Mythology where Narcissus fell in love with his own image as it reflected in a pool of water.  Maybe we can create another positive if becoming Tiffany goes wrong by reinventing the term ‘Tiffinist’.  This sounds much nicer and maybe it’d be a nicer thing for the narcissists to be known by as they generally get a bad press although that is because they’re out and out cunts.

Anyhow, creativity has been suppressed and this is largely due to someone close being ill with a degenerative disease.  This beings about such great emotions.  Coping with the practicalities of care, the sadness of loss, the trauma of witnessing the tragedy unfolding and the effect it has on so many people close to you.  The effect this is having on my partner is hardest to deal with.  Her sadness, upset, grief and anxiety is horrible to observe.  As the months have passed, I also have to contend with my own selfish feelings of loss of parts of her in this time and at times the resentment of being brought down by it all.  Feeling sorry for myself and angry at this situation that I can’t control because I hate how the love and positively has reduced in my life is definitely part of my shadow side.  This selfishness is placed into the black bag that’s hidden that contains the parts of me personality that I’m not proud of.  I can try to deny this selfishness, but it leaks out of me as anger or self-pity. I try to accept these parts of me as they are and this allows a greater sense of clarity on the situation.  This brings less self-hate when I’m not allowing the self-pity to dominate.  This clarity also brings the undeniable truth that we should be affected and that we are affected – it’s horribly shit and I want to avoid feeling low and down about it but it’s unavoidable.  It affects us because of the people we are and the values we uphold.  It’s still fucking shit though and I wish it wasn’t happening. I wish things were normal and we were free to feel good and flourish happily as we experience the fruit of living our lives as we do.  I wish I didn’t resent that we’re affected at times.

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