My life can be an endless frustration of wanting more. I’m caught in the trap of being lured by the endless marketing campaigns to buy shit to impress other people to feel like the overly content/strong/smug twats I see on adverts whilst balancing the realities of life outside of their dumb-fuck utopia.
So to rant and possibly make sense of the dysfunctional thoughts that circulate around my noodle, I thought I’d blog it and punish You with these musings (sorry).
I constantly battle between being happy with how my life is and being disappointed that it’s not as good as it should be. Whenever we use that word ‘should’ it indicates we’re judging ourselves against an external standard – not from within ourselves. There’s this grandiose unrealistic twat inside me that I think believes I should be attending the best parties, dancing in the wildest of clubs, hanging around with debonair sophisticates’(pretentious sophisti-cunts in reality that I would fuckin hate anyway) and living this Hollywood lifestyle. NO doubt next week I’ll be berating myself for not having a decent helicopter and missing out on the latest red-carpet event.
My life is just normal – normal for me anyhow. But my tedious expectations make me feel like a failure. I’m forty-fucking-two. Why are the expectations there?? I think they’re a driving force to get some great things in life. It’s using the stick to gee yourself along rather than running towards the tasty carrot. It’s a classical psychological issue which results in me feeling not good enough. In theory, if I think I should be doing more, it’ll motivate me to make it happen. And just like unrealistic goals, it leaves me feeling defeated but more than that and so crucially, I’m not appreciating all that I have. I neglect to notice the brilliance that I have around me and all the great things that happen every week. It’s fuckin ludicrous.
The frustrations of an overthinker 